Month: February 2022

Looking back on this wet and windy week, Dad has got significantly worse in his dementia journey. He is still happy and a lovely Daddy to go and chill with.

On Monday I picked dad up from his respite care today. This gave poor Mum time to sort out washing before her lovely little shadow came back. We are not allowed in to the respite centre due to covid. I peered through the window to see what he was up to. He was in a chair with his back to the window which meant he couldn’t see me, but I could clearly see his picture bingo card. The fabulous activities lady was carefully going round the group making sure each participate crossed of the right picture in the bingo game. Dad however, was happily drawing round each and every picture and completely ignoring the prompting. Eventually she gave up, well he is happy enough drawing round and round.

Dad came of the centre a carers hand, he needs to be lead anywhere now. He checked it was me and not Mum a couple of times. Then we had to discuss if we were going to Wirksworth or Winster, since he couldn’t remember the names of Wirksworth or even Winster it was a difficult conversation to understand what he was confused about.

On arriving at his home in Winster he was unwilling to empty his pockets. After removing gloves and a hat he stopped rummaged a bit in other pockets making a great show of it too. “Nothing else” he said. Now I knew the care home had given him chocolates. I went into his cardigan pocket.

“Hey that’s my pocket”

“Dad what’s this in them”

“Oh yes. Its stuff. With a message.”

The care home had added a message to a bag of chocolates.

“Can you read it Dad”

Dad reads

“Happy valentine’s day Frank. We all love you very much”

Dad struggled with valentine’s. He then said

“Thats nice isn’t it. They nice there.”

Thankyou to the respite care. He kept looking at the card and reading it over and over again.

Tuesday is Wirksworth market day. However it was raining hard. Dad peered out of the window, shock his head and settled down back in his chair next to the fire. Since Mum and I were very tired, we decided this was an excellent idea. I came over later that morning.

As it was still raining I used the time to ring various organisations that were suppose to be supporting Dads care. We needed to get Dads payment card so we can pay for his respite. This was to be sorted by last Christmas. I never got through to the person in charge of this. One wrong number given to me and the other kept saying the phone was busy, on answering phone option available.

Another person to call because Mum was supposed to have had a carers assessment that had been referred to the Derbyshire cares association over 3 weeks ago. I rang Derbyshire Cares Association, they knew nothing of this referral that the Mental health team should had made. This was a bit disappointing, who is caring for our carers! I did manage to make the carers assessment appointment. It is a TELEPHONE appointment in March. Not quiet sure how you can do an assessment over the phone, especially when Mum is on the phone Dad gets very anxious and will start to panic, often taking the phone from Mums hands. It will be and interesting assessment.

I also tried to speak to Dads care worker/social worker. I left a message.

The rain eventually stopped and we all wandered up the street to the post box and shop. I love our village. People stop and say hello to Dad. They introduce themselves, even though Dad has lived in Winster for 40 odd years. He might not stop to talk much but he really appreciates it, as do we.

Thankyou very much Winster people.

After our shopping trip Dad and I got logs in and refilled the bird food. This being the most important thing to Dad, except ice creams on sticks, and Mum of course. Mum had to rest her poor back. Its a long way to the shop!

We then had chair yoga via zoom organised by Derbyshire carers association. Well Mum had chair yoga, I had entertain Dad. Dad and I did a bit of yoga breathing. Then a bit of yoga waving arms around. The Dad decided lunch was more important.

Wednesday we tried going to the Blue Lagoon at the stone centre for lunch, but it was busy. I magicked up corn-beef sandwiches instead.

On thursday I think my telephoning had reached someone. We got lots of letters which don’t make sense in the post. Its a bit disheartening when they can’t even spell Mums name right.

The week ended today with us all surviving the storms so far! We had Sunday lunch together.

Dad had a present from my sister, his younger daughter too. It was a magnet set. Dad had been an armature rewinder for most of his life, he knew a lot about north and south and magnet attraction, how electricity can be made from magnets. Watching him play with these, feel the magnetic pressure but not understand what it was, well it was a bit upsetting. Mum had to have a moment. Dad however was fascinated by them in his own little way.

The dementia journey has its ups and downs. Its always a little surprising. What makes you cry and what makes you smile. Navigating the care system is another story in itself!

Its been a year now since Mum and Dad had there first covid jab. Dad has changed greatly over the span of this year, but in many ways he is still Dad. He dementia is slowly getting worse. We are fortunate that he is lovely, not aggressive or violent. Instead he is very anxious and forgetful. Its little things that remind you how much the dementia has progressed, like when Mum asks him to put the hot water bottle away, he can find the hot water bottle, but then will hold it for a bit, look at it, then replace it back on the table.

Another day he came round to mine. Sitting on the settee he spend a good 10 minutes looking first at the floor and then at the ceiling, head moving up and down. When we asked what he was looking at he replied

” we have a ceiling like that too!”

Then you get moments like Nottingham comes on the TV.

“Look that’s Trent Bridge “

His sense of humour also shines through. He can’t get his gloves on now, so he sticks out his hands and one of us puts them on. Mum and I were both doing this in order to get to the village shop. Because the two of us was helping Dad, he ended up turning 360 degrees round.

“ I am not a screwdriver you know” is what he said.

All the way to Winster shop he is asking me

“Do you know what we are doing?”

“Yes we are going to the post office then we are going to buy bread, bacon and tar tar source.”

We walk for a minute.

“Do you know what we are doing?”

“Yes we are going to the post office then we are going to buy bread, bacon and tar tar source.”

This is repeated all the way there.

Another day this week Mum wanted a shower, however Dad now can’t be left on his own at all, and this means in a room on his own. He gets anxious and will stand outside the bathroom door asking if she is ok, what should he do. Usually I can come round to take Dad for a walk or do a jigsaw, but today I couldn’t so she gave him a proscribed anxiety tablet. Normally he has half. Well this meant Mum could shower peaceful while dad watch trains on the TV. However it also made him very sleepy. So sleepy that he spilled his drink everywhere! Simple everyday activities are now becoming difficult.

For lunch Wednesday I took them both down to tall trees garden centre. The route is the same way as Dads respite care place. All the way down the hill he is going

“We aren’t going to that place are we”

“Please don’t go to that place”

“I don’t really want to go to Ludlow.” We don’t know why he calls it ludlow. And we can’t work out why he doesn’t want to go. We are not allowed in due to covid. The lovely care works do wear masks, and they test Dad before he can mingle. We know they look after him very well, they do exercises and games, dominoes, scrabble and throwing games along with arty activities. Then they feed him lots. He only stopped worrying about it when we turned right to the garden centre instead of left.

At the garden centre I take his hand while Mum hobbles behind with her two sticks. We now need to hold his hand if we actually want to get anywhere at all. We go into the garden centre and Mum finds friends to talk to. I try to get Dad to leave Mum to talk without her little shadow. He is not sure about this, what happens if she can’t find us. We wander over to the café and stand waiting to be seated. I can feel Dads hand tighten nervously round my hand and he is gazing where he last saw Mum. All the time asking

“Where is she? Do you think she will find us?”

I try to distract him by talking about tea and cake that we might have. That backfires a bit, because then he worries about who will pay for it. We get seated just as Mum comes into view, Dad wouldn’t sit down until Mum was in the cafe and sat down first.

We then had another spell of looking at the ceiling. This time, however, it was through glass. Dad watched the clouds and the sky for a time and then stated

“The sky is expanding you know!”

He did enjoy his toasted tea cake and half a scone, even though he had never had one before.

Tuesday was market Dad. I managed to park in Wirksworth. I took Dads hand to move him towards the market. Dad asked me excitedly

“if I had seen “It” on the thing.”

I had to work this one out. what was it I was supposed to have seen, and what was the thing?! Since Dad kept repeating the words I got no more clues, except I did have my phone in my hand. Maybe this was the thing. Dad sort of knows about social media. I think he believes some of Mums friends live in the computer. I also think he is posing for photos because he knows vaguely that we can show them to daughters and sisters and other people.

So I had the thing, just to work out what I was supposed to have seen on there.

Then next clue was that he started to talk about how important and wonderful Mum was. How much he loved her. This reminded me that Mum had be told the night before that she had to take a picture and put it on the thing.

The day before Dad had a few hours in respite care. One of the activities was colouring in a valentine’s picture. The idea being that the following week they add it to a card. Dad was so pleased with being able to do something for Mum, he insisted on bringing it home straight away. Getting Mum to show his daughter’s and sister. And then making sure I had seen it too. He wasn’t happy until I got the picture of his colouring in up on my phone. He then told me how lovely and wonderful and important Mum was, adding “sorry but she is more lovely than you, hope you don’t mind”

It might have had its difficult times, stressful and emotionally hard time, But Dad is lovely and wonderful. Each week is a bit different. Thinking ahead can be scary too. But there is a great deal of love left.

This weekend is the weekend my sister and I affectionately called the “drunken daddy’s weekend”.

It is a time when a group of Dads childhood friends came together every year to just be mates together camping, climbing, walking and drinking.

It started when Dad and Mum got married. Dad and his oldest school friend, David, wanted to have a weekend with all their bloke friends to be able to go camping, climbing, walking and drinking without their wives. That is why the first weekend in February was chosen way back in the 1970’s. No sensible female would want to go camping in February! I have vague memories of all these men coming to the house in Winster on the Sunday morning for a full English breakfast, before they all went on their way home. Since then they have met up for this mad camping weekend, without missing one. Even in lockdown the camp was help via teams.

The group has grown over the 30 odd years since its conception to include other friends, sons, sons friends and even grandsons.

David died tragically in a car crash when Dad was 40. It changed so many people’s lives and the February camp took on extra importance. They realised how short life can be and how important each other was for them. Friendship is so importance, and easily can be forgotten in the hustle and bustle of life. So if you have a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, ring them, text them pop round and say hello.  I have arranged to meet up next week with my school friends, we are going to swap Christmas presents!

This is the first year Dad has missed the camp. He did the lockdown teams one, which is what the photo here shows, a fire, a classic Feb. camp activity.

Now he just does not remember who the people are, and why you would want to leave the warm stove in the cosy house to go outside the the heavy rain. We did try to encourage him to meet up with the group in Hartington. He wanted to put more logs on the fire and do a jigsaw.

Mum and I got some old photo albums out, even pictures didn’t seem to stir any interest. He was happy to do the jigsaw puzzle, and a cuppa and a chocolate biscuit.

Its strange, and a bit difficult, to know they are out their in the rain, and Dad doesn’t remember. I have all these fragmented childhood memories that I can’t ask him about.  Stories about eating daffodil bulbs, big fires, people falling to sleep in pubs, tumbling into rivers, passing pipes around, rugby watching, walking and digging tents out of snow.  Not that any of them lets on what happens at February camp.  It did make in into the Telegraph too, Why I go camping in the snow.

Dad has had a good weekend, with a trip to Cromford mill, bought some wool at weaveknitit and Then Sunday lunch at my house. Coming from his house to my house seems to get longer and longer for Dad. He was convinced it would take Mum an hour to get here. So they timed it, 16mins.

They came for Sunday dinner armed with a German bottle of wine from which Dad has often visited with winster morris. He was worried that it was wine and not milk for cups of tea, but then he seemed very interested in what the wine might taste like and if he would like it.

He then whittled about the bottle of wine he had given me, had I got it, can we drink it, do we have more.

He was concerned on how far Cromford was from my house.

“It must be miles and miles? Have we got time to go?”

“Dad it will take us 5 minutes”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, shall we time it?”

“What time is it really?” He looks at his watch. He is not sure what time it is now. We work out which hand is the minute hand. I tell him the time and we set off, Dad is watching his wrist watch very carefully. He is very surprised to find it actually takes 4 minutes.

Dad remembers coming here before. He decides to walk up to the aqueduct and over the bridge. He activates the cog system and the pulleys. He talks about the waterwheels, but doesn’t remember undershot and overshot.

He then whittled about the bottle of wine he had given me, had I got it, can we drink it, do we have more. Maybe we should go home to check that it is there.

I go to buy some lovely yarn from weaveknitit, while Mum is with Dad looking at the water. Dad is confused that I have gone missing. Mum has to go into the shop to make sure I am still there. He peers over a stand of wool to find me.

“Hello”

An old neighbour of Dads, from the house I grew up in, has the bookshop in the mill. Dad does remember him from last time we came to his bookshop to get some Christmas presents, but does not remember that he was his neighbour back in Winster for a number of years.

Mum has a chat in the bookshop while Dad and I wander back to the car. Dad worries where Mum is.

“She is the oldest you know”

“Dad she is 5 years younger than you”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Dad”, I ask how old was I, maybe a dangerous question. He answers by adding 10 whole years onto my age! His age is approximately 30 years younger than it really is.

Mum appears from the bookshop.

“look there she is with two handles” says Dad in relief, I have to check what he means by handles, he is referring to her two walking sticks, you do have to be able to interpretative Dads words sometimes!

We come home for a cuppa, and a rest.

I get the bottle of wine he has been talking about all day to show him that we have got it and that we could open it if he wanted to try it.

He checks out the label. He reads the bit warning against drinking and driving.

“Well that’s sensible advice. How can you drink with a wine glass in your hand while driving, you will spill all the wine.”

Looking at the pictures of the German visit dad saw the same bottle of wine that he had bought.

“Look you have 2 now, so I can have one back.”

He wasn’t convince that having a bottle of wine in a picture was different from having one on the table in front of you.

My husbands Mum and uncle came. We have a lamb roast sunday dinner with red wine too! Cheesecake for afters. And a game of Pass the Pig.

Dad decided it was time to go by 3.30. His hand started to wring together anxiously. He was distracted by lighting the fire. His gas lighter is better than ours

A cuppa stretched it out a bit too. By 4.30 he was desperate to get home. So off they went.

Life can be full of laughs if you just take the time and patience to enjoy it.