Author: maryrush.reflexology@yahoo.com

This weekend is the weekend my sister and I affectionately called the “drunken daddy’s weekend”.

It is a time when a group of Dads childhood friends came together every year to just be mates together camping, climbing, walking and drinking.

It started when Dad and Mum got married. Dad and his oldest school friend, David, wanted to have a weekend with all their bloke friends to be able to go camping, climbing, walking and drinking without their wives. That is why the first weekend in February was chosen way back in the 1970’s. No sensible female would want to go camping in February! I have vague memories of all these men coming to the house in Winster on the Sunday morning for a full English breakfast, before they all went on their way home. Since then they have met up for this mad camping weekend, without missing one. Even in lockdown the camp was help via teams.

The group has grown over the 30 odd years since its conception to include other friends, sons, sons friends and even grandsons.

David died tragically in a car crash when Dad was 40. It changed so many people’s lives and the February camp took on extra importance. They realised how short life can be and how important each other was for them. Friendship is so importance, and easily can be forgotten in the hustle and bustle of life. So if you have a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, ring them, text them pop round and say hello.  I have arranged to meet up next week with my school friends, we are going to swap Christmas presents!

This is the first year Dad has missed the camp. He did the lockdown teams one, which is what the photo here shows, a fire, a classic Feb. camp activity.

Now he just does not remember who the people are, and why you would want to leave the warm stove in the cosy house to go outside the the heavy rain. We did try to encourage him to meet up with the group in Hartington. He wanted to put more logs on the fire and do a jigsaw.

Mum and I got some old photo albums out, even pictures didn’t seem to stir any interest. He was happy to do the jigsaw puzzle, and a cuppa and a chocolate biscuit.

Its strange, and a bit difficult, to know they are out their in the rain, and Dad doesn’t remember. I have all these fragmented childhood memories that I can’t ask him about.  Stories about eating daffodil bulbs, big fires, people falling to sleep in pubs, tumbling into rivers, passing pipes around, rugby watching, walking and digging tents out of snow.  Not that any of them lets on what happens at February camp.  It did make in into the Telegraph too, Why I go camping in the snow.

Dad has had a good weekend, with a trip to Cromford mill, bought some wool at weaveknitit and Then Sunday lunch at my house. Coming from his house to my house seems to get longer and longer for Dad. He was convinced it would take Mum an hour to get here. So they timed it, 16mins.

They came for Sunday dinner armed with a German bottle of wine from which Dad has often visited with winster morris. He was worried that it was wine and not milk for cups of tea, but then he seemed very interested in what the wine might taste like and if he would like it.

He then whittled about the bottle of wine he had given me, had I got it, can we drink it, do we have more.

He was concerned on how far Cromford was from my house.

“It must be miles and miles? Have we got time to go?”

“Dad it will take us 5 minutes”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, shall we time it?”

“What time is it really?” He looks at his watch. He is not sure what time it is now. We work out which hand is the minute hand. I tell him the time and we set off, Dad is watching his wrist watch very carefully. He is very surprised to find it actually takes 4 minutes.

Dad remembers coming here before. He decides to walk up to the aqueduct and over the bridge. He activates the cog system and the pulleys. He talks about the waterwheels, but doesn’t remember undershot and overshot.

He then whittled about the bottle of wine he had given me, had I got it, can we drink it, do we have more. Maybe we should go home to check that it is there.

I go to buy some lovely yarn from weaveknitit, while Mum is with Dad looking at the water. Dad is confused that I have gone missing. Mum has to go into the shop to make sure I am still there. He peers over a stand of wool to find me.

“Hello”

An old neighbour of Dads, from the house I grew up in, has the bookshop in the mill. Dad does remember him from last time we came to his bookshop to get some Christmas presents, but does not remember that he was his neighbour back in Winster for a number of years.

Mum has a chat in the bookshop while Dad and I wander back to the car. Dad worries where Mum is.

“She is the oldest you know”

“Dad she is 5 years younger than you”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Dad”, I ask how old was I, maybe a dangerous question. He answers by adding 10 whole years onto my age! His age is approximately 30 years younger than it really is.

Mum appears from the bookshop.

“look there she is with two handles” says Dad in relief, I have to check what he means by handles, he is referring to her two walking sticks, you do have to be able to interpretative Dads words sometimes!

We come home for a cuppa, and a rest.

I get the bottle of wine he has been talking about all day to show him that we have got it and that we could open it if he wanted to try it.

He checks out the label. He reads the bit warning against drinking and driving.

“Well that’s sensible advice. How can you drink with a wine glass in your hand while driving, you will spill all the wine.”

Looking at the pictures of the German visit dad saw the same bottle of wine that he had bought.

“Look you have 2 now, so I can have one back.”

He wasn’t convince that having a bottle of wine in a picture was different from having one on the table in front of you.

My husbands Mum and uncle came. We have a lamb roast sunday dinner with red wine too! Cheesecake for afters. And a game of Pass the Pig.

Dad decided it was time to go by 3.30. His hand started to wring together anxiously. He was distracted by lighting the fire. His gas lighter is better than ours

A cuppa stretched it out a bit too. By 4.30 he was desperate to get home. So off they went.

Life can be full of laughs if you just take the time and patience to enjoy it.

Dad has a big vascular dementia adventure today, a mental health financial assessment.

Here I am in the back room listening to Dad have an assessment on his capacity to understand finances. Poor Dad. He is totally confused. Mum and I aren’t allowed in. I can just hear what is being said.

“What would you buy with £2”

There is a long silence.

“I don’t really know”

She is now asking about the respite service he goes to, he calls it “ludlow”, he is not sure about its real name which means He doesn’t really know what she is talking about.

He is now talking about the birds. He is trying very hard to help her, to find something he knows to talk about. This morning he found a dead bird, “thats sad”. She says. She is struggling to keep him on task.

“If you have £5 what could you buy with it?”

“Look a passenger train” we have trains on the telly.

“If you had a bank account would you know how to do that?”

Silence.

“Can we have a biscuit? “

“Afterwards, do you know about banks?”

“Do you think the sun will come out”

Its really hard to sit here listening. Poor Dad. However he is still good at changing the subject!

Deciding what Dad can and can’t do is so hard. He is, after all, my Dad. He was the one you call when you are in a&e in Aberdeen. He dropped everything and drives the 7 hours to get you home. Here we are deciding if its too cold for him to go out, what to do today.

She is still trying! 15 minutes in! What could you get for 50p! Got to give her marks for persistence.

In the same vein, deciding on risk levels is particularly hard. Dad is normally very safe in what he does, admittedly his favourite activities are drinking tea, eating ice cream and doing jigsaws, not inherently dangerous. However every now and again he does sometime interesting. Like the time when I was filling up the tea pot from the tea urn, Dad goes to put his hand underneath. He also has a habit of stopping half way across the road.

He does like the fire, and an axe too. It wasn’t that long ago that he would spend days cutting up wood with his chainsaw, splitting it and stacking it. He now has all on moving the logs from the shed to the house. Every now and again he does get the small splitting axe out and has a go. Mum can’t watch! But he has this happy look on his face, and tiredness kicks in very quickly. He now has a gas lighter to use when lighting the fire, better than matches and he loves it.

Here is a question, when in the car do you or do you not put the kiddy locks on? Dad is inquisitive, he always was, so likes to try the buttons in the car. Its mainly the electric windows. Windows go up, it gets cold and wet, windows go down. Dad gets bored, windows go up, he gets cold windows go down. Up, Down, up down. Its best to remember to check when leaving the car what state the windows are in! Thats fine and good, however if he starts to play with the door handle its a different story. Do you put the kiddy locks on, just in case so and live with him complaining that he can’t get out when we have stopped. He sometimes knows that its the kiddy lock and is upset that they are on, he is an adult you know. Then sometimes he waits for Mums permission to open the door anyway. Life is unpredictable and full of questions.

The covid risk brings up so much more grey areas to decide on. Do we take him to a cafe, do we visit friends who he can’t remember, what risks do we all take. Its fine when you can think, well I enjoy meeting up with friends for a coffee, you can balance risk and enjoyment. Dad can’t. He likes to sit in his chair, watching the birds and having his tea. Given a choice he would stay there. He can not imagine if he would like a trip out, or a walk until he is actually doing it. Even then he will get anxious after a while and want to go home.

The questioning is finished! Guess what, Dad doesn’t understand finances!

After she has left and we are chatting to Dad to make sure he is not worried he tells us very seriously.

“She didn’t seem to understand anything about my dementia, I tried to explain it to her, but I don’t think she knows anything!

He is lovely you know.

19/01/22 Dads New room Dementia adventure and a visit from his Sister.

A few days ago I went over to see Dad. He was very excited because of the “new room we have found, did you know about this room?”

“What new room have you found Dad”

“This on up here, you go through this door and look here it is”

Dad took me into the room we grandly call the study, it has lots of books in and paperwork. It does contain Dads huge collection of jigsaws too. Its certainly not new, maybe not used very much now. Dad is mostly found in his chair, and Mum has to be in the same room as him or Dad gets very distressed. In this “new room” was Mum and Dads cup of tea and a half done jigsaw. Mum decided that they would have a change of scenery while the cleaner was in the main room, so took in some tea and biscuits. Dad, however was amazed. He looked round at all the books

“have we read all of these?

He then started on the pictures

“Have I really walked all the way up that big mountain?” this was a picture of Snowdon, in the rain of course.

“I think that is me dressed up as a witch” Dad has been the Winster Morris Witch since I was about 10. Now the honour has passed down to me.

“Look that’s Timmy”. Timmy was Dads first dog he had when he lived in Nottingham with his Mum and Dad, many many years ago.

“Timmy would know when my car came home”. Dad tells me stories about how Timmy followed him home on night and stayed with them, he chats away.

“Do you know who is with him Dad?”

“Don’t know, is that me?”. Timmy is on the doorstep with my Grandad, Dads Dad.

“Its your Dad”

“Are you sure? I am not sure”

He gives me that look that says he thinks I am making it up but he is not going to say anything.

We then go and check on the hedgehogs, have a little dance, and wander to the shop.

At the weekend my Aunt, Dads sister, and Uncle come to visit. We talk about the photo, and about my Aunts and Dads house in Woodbine Villa. Dad is not too sure that they all lived there together, and he is surprised that his sister even knows about it. They chat away about the old house. I found out the Dad introduced his sister to her now husband. However, it being my Dad, he introduced her using her second name. It was a few weeks before she had to admit what her real name was!

I find it so funny to hear old stories about my Dad that I did not know before. He could be so cheeky sometimes.

Dads Christmas adventure.

I wrote this on the 28/12/2021.  Then I managed to lock myself out of the website! So today is 7/01/22. Dad is feeling much better.

Christmas day was celebrated at Wirksworth, mainly because I do not want to cook in my Mums Kitchen! All preparation was done, presents wrapped, lamb shank cooking. Mum and Dad came around 11am. The new travelling game is to count traffic. Surprisingly there were no lorries today. Presents were opened. He likes the kindling, fire is highly important in Dads life. Our fire was lit.

There was a lovely moment while eating dinner that a fraction of the old Dad came back. He talked about travelling up and down to Aberdeen to take me to university. He enjoyed pouring himself some Cote du Rhone. He was relaxed and happy, it was fabulous.

 

It didn’t last long. The looking at his wrist watch started. He made comments about all the things he and Mum had to do at home. We managed to play a game of “save the Eskimo”. It is a hammer game that my sister and I played often as kids, we have lost the Eskimo, so its more of save the igloo. Dad did not want to share the hammer. Christmas cake was eaten happily. Then the question

“When are we going home?!”

He looks anxiously at his watch, and rubs his hands together.  More distraction techniques employed with a jigsaw.  The jigsaw was not important enough to do, and anyway

“we have those at home, lets go home to do the ones there.  You can all come you know.”

A cuppa and watching the fire was tried. The tea drank in double quick time, and checking that Mum was drinking hers too!

“finished can we go home please? Where is my coat?” says Dad

“you don’t need it in the house” maybe a bit mean, but it was only 3pm

Mum had her crochet slippers on

“We can’t go home, I haven’t got my slippers on”

“Thats a  trick, where are your shoes? Can you get my coat please?”

Dad managed to stay until 4pm. Then his anxiety got the better of him and Mum had to just take him home.

Boxing day arrives, Mum still has to get up at 5am, no bank holidays for carers! They are both very tired. The on Monday it is obvious that Dad is sneezing, has a croaky voice and is slightly hot too, Mum isn’t feeling to good either. I come over so that Mum can have a sleep. If Mum leaves the room, Dad starts to worry and then look for her, this means an afternoon nap is impossible.

Operation Dad distraction for an hour begins. My husband and I start with dominoes. He is better at this than he lets on. It might not be maltese cross that he taught me, just follow the number of dots, but it was he who won 3 to 2 to the loser husband coming in at just one game won!

Then lets start another jigsaw.

“where is Mum”

She is busy doing boring jobs upstairs”

“we should just make sure with Mum that was can start the jigsaw”

“Of course we can start the jigsaw, thats why its out”

“maybe we should check, she might need help”

Mum being fast asleep, definitely doesn’t need help, but if Dad though she was in bed he would then be worried that something was wrong. The jigsaw was started. He got engrossed in finishing the edge bits. When the edges was done, we start again worrying about Mum. This time a different concern.

“is it bed time, maybe I need to go to bed”

Tea was made, the police man pieces on the jigsaw was found and added to the puzzle, Mum was forgotten again for a bit.

A hour hour was managed, then I got a message from above,

“Can I have a cup of tea”

“Dad I am going to take Mum a cup of tea”

“Thank-goodness she is ok”

The relief on his face was visible, I do wonder what he was thinking Mum was up to.

So today they are both still not very well. Dad is sleepy, and Mum knows they have cold symptoms. Lots of tests have been done, all negative. Its a worrying time to have a bit of cold like symptoms. I came over today to help with food, and give Mum a rest. Poor Dad was made to play a game of pairs with some very nice animal cards. The first game was to guess the animal.

A frog was “the wet thing that lives in the pond”

The parrot became a “carrot”

Dad was not sure about all this brain thinking, but we had 2 games, of which he won.

I left them both watching a film.

Today the family had an early Christmas Day day.  Mum and Dad arrived in Wirksworth, they got settled down with a cuppa, then my sister and her partner came.  Dad was very happy to see both his daughters in the same place, and not in that computer thingy either!

Dad’s presents had a warmth theme.  My sister can sew beautifully and she had created a hot water bottle cover.  Dad was pleased, we got a detailed description of how he makes his two hot water bottles for his bed.

“we can take this home and you fill up the hot making device, hold this thing carefully, then pour in the hot stuff, you need to be very careful.”

The next present was exciting too! How to light the fire?  Once Mum had realized that there was a safety catch that is!

“What’s good about this is it has a long bit thingy so that you can reach right down to the fire twisted bit”

The twisted bit being the fire lighter.

There were other present opening too, Books and Jedi heads.  Nothing really interesting until the tool set came out, that held the electricians attention.

The problem then came after a couple of hours excitement.  When is home time?  We hadn’t had any food yet, But Dad was concerned that he would have to spend the night here.  Distraction with a jigsaw was tried by my sister.

“Dad I really like you to stay a bit longer so that we can have dinner together because I don’t get to see you often and I like being with you” says my sister to Dad

“its nice seeing you too, I can stay a bit longer I think”

Then, the next minute

“when are we going? where is my grey woolly thing”, This being his coat that we had cunningly hidden on the coat stand.  Mum sits with him, holding his hand, we, both my sister and me, talk to him about the jigsaw.  He eventually calms down and stops breathing quickly.  Jigsaw is looked at and dinner can be made.

Dinner went down well.  Roast veg with steak pie, Dad was concerned about my sisters drink, it looked funny.  He tried a bit, it was fizzy, he kept this drink, its nicer than water thankyou. Pepsi max is a little bit sweeter than water!

After dinner it was game time. Do you know the more simple the game the more competitive and tactical the game can become? This game involved flipping marbles from one tringle area to another.  You can not imagine the complications of this game!  Of course I won, except Dad though I had lost!

Mum and Dad watched the fire for a bit, and then we couldn’t keep him in Wirksworth any longer, he just wanted to be at home.

The coat was found, bags and presents collected, and in the car he quickly got.  As my sister and I waved him off, he wound down the window, up and down, up and down, many times. Up. Down, Up Down.

He really did have an adventure today, but he likes to be home too!